This summer, performative men had TikTok in a chokehold, so much so that there have been “performative male contests” held around the United States, like in San Francisco and Seattle. It’s probably one of the longest-lasting memes I’ve seen on TikTok.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the performative male, I’ll describe some of their staples: They’re roaming the streets with tote bags and matcha in one hand while reading feminist literature in the other. Simultaneously, they’re probably listening to Clairo or Beabadoobee with their wired headphones.
Say what you want to say about performative men, but I think their fashion style is one of my favorite trends I’ve seen men pull off. (They should take that Labubu off the belt loops of their jeans, though.)
Hear me out: I love performative men and think we need more of them.
The label “performative men” is used disparagingly, to make fun of men who take on hobbies and personalities—such as listening to Laufey or reading Sally Rooney—solely to gain the attention of women. Critics of performative men, who I believe are exaggerating, go so far as to suggest that performative men are“master male manipulators,” who adopt a personality to gain control over women.
This reaction to performative men—seeing the worst of them and making memes out of it— highlights the pessimistic thinking of our generation, surrounded by social media. More than ever, people are conscious of others’ perceptions of themselves due to the constant evaluation of their lives on social media.
Critics view performative men as embodying every stereotypical green flag—sensitivity, progressiveness, and femininity—merely to attract women. This over-the-top combination of green flags begs the question: Are performative males being sincere, or are they being inauthentic?
Although I’m not one to side with “male manipulators,” I’m defending these guys. While I understand the doubt of authenticity, I’d argue that we’re all performative. Similarly, our habits and fashion styles are inspired by others, especially in a society so shaped by social media.
This isn’t the first time we’ve seen men be “performative.” In the 2010s, it was the gym bros, and before that, it was the Wolf of Wall Street aesthetic with men in powerful suits. Our era’s performative man is just another presentation of masculinity we haven’t seen before, and using the term “performative” is just society’s way of encouraging conformity.
Speaking of masculinity, I would argue that this new stereotype of men dismantles toxic masculinity. It’s a form of self-expression for men that allows them to feel more comfortable having a softer aesthetic and a more sensitive personality.
Criticizing men who embrace this archetype only perpetuates toxic masculinity because it shows society’s reluctance to grasp that men can be into things traditionally regarded as feminine. It insinuates that men must only be pursuing those things for a reward—attracting women.
On top of that, I’m a big believer in fake-it-till-you-make-it. In my science ethics class, we discussed whether this saying applies to values. After some thinking, I believe it does. In the same way these men can adopt fashion styles, they can adopt values as well.
The most performative of performative men can’t stay performative forever (say that three times fast). They eventually go on to become more educated about gender, women, and feminism, which I think are important things all men should care about.
Mocking performative men only discourages men from doing anything that might be perceived as feminism and supporting women, which men shouldn’t be shamed for.
I believe empathy is a habit one practices, but it’s been difficult to preach optimism and empathy in such a polarized society. The best thing we can do for each other is show empathy, even to performative men. Honestly, we should all just end “nonchalance” and practice being more “chalant.”
My only qualm with performative men is that they’re probably bigger Clairo and Beabadoobee fans than I am. By the way, go back and count how many times I said “performative” in this article.