Roll call. The mysterious discussion we all know and love. Thrice a year, teachers assemble to chat about every student—-their grades, their personalities, the conversations they share a little too loudly when teachers are around, and who knows what else. (Or at least they used to? No one, not even the teachers, seems to understand how Roll Call really works.)
This year, however, students became fed up with the mystery and decided to start their own Roll Call, meant to discuss the same teachers who chat about them behind their backs. On April ?? at ??:?? p.m., students met in the Dungeons (classrooms under Roessler).
Each student presented a ticket gained only through solving a set of successive riddles and was admitted only if they showed up in black suits or trivia night costumes. They gathered in a circle around a dusty projector, then turned on the TV to throw up a series of images: yearbook photos leaked from an unknown source (likely the Mainsheet editors), displaying the naively-smiling faces of each faculty member.
Then, the students began to talk.
For confidentiality reasons, I cannot repeat the contents of the full discussion, but an investigative journalist will always try their best. After much studying, fighting, and running garbled VoiceMemos through OtterAI, I have managed to salvage scraps of the review to present to you:
Mr. Cass: A real mystery. Sometimes understanding senioritis, sometimes dropping a test during AP test week. Definitely undergrading the music video “Mr. Derivative Man” (if you know, you know).
Ms. Cermak: Would need at least five sessions to finish the MTSE curriculum with the oh-so-focused senior class. Incredibly stone-faced when presented with outlandish questions, not so much when Girls Lacrosse loses to certain schools.
Ms. Chaintreuil: Awarded the “most difficult name to spell in the library check-in computer” award, followed closely by Mr. Mihovilovich. Will most likely never get the seniors to read Dubliners.
Mr. & Mrs. Donnell: The greatest teachers at Chadwick. These two Mainsheet supervisors would never threaten a student with an extra week of Outdoor Ed in order to have that student publish a good review. Never.
Mr. Miranda: Like, really on top of the hype, chat. The most goated teacher. So much aura, it makes me want to crash out.
Mr. Park: Known for his eclectic Spotify playlists and love of bands that haven’t been popular since the 90s. Most likely responsible for at least 5% of the 150 million views on NSYNC’s “Tearin’ Up My Heart.”
Mr. Ramos: Everyone either loves or fears Chadwick’s “Apex predator.” Quite possibly doesn’t make cross country participants stretch enough, given the number of injured runners Cathy cares for each week.
Dr. Sacco: Proud proprietor of one of the top-five hardest classes at Chadwick, and proud donor of 2s on test questions you got mostly right.
Mr. Wallace: Definitely wrote the guest article the Mainsheet published a couple issues ago and didn’t use AI. We forgive him, though, as he has proven the time and effort he puts into holding his economics class past the end of the period.
With these scraps shared, I will now take my leave and go into hiding from the secret spies StuCo employs.
If anyone asks, you didn’t read this article, and I didn’t write it.
