Hi, Chadwick community. I know from firsthand experience that you all have a lot of problems and would maybe like some guidance in your life. Instead of turning to any of the amazing resources potentially available to you such as close family, friends, or trusted adults, I’m glad that you decided to ask me!

I need help on how to deal with immature friends.

As an immature friend myself, I can say quite honestly that the only way to deal with this problem is to face it head on. Just talk to them. Make sure they are working on themselves. For example, check in and make sure they are doing things that mature adult-type people do. Do they have a drivers license? What’s the situation with their 401K?

After you get all that settled, you can get to the more pressing questions of their character. Steer them away from immature behaviors like smiling, laughing, or experiencing joy, then you’ll be all set!

What do I do if I am in a class that I don’t want to be in?

Make it everyone’s problem! You don’t want to be in APUSH? Then you better let Mr. Nordlund know, as vocally and frequently as possible. Mr. Wallace responds particularly well when students actively hate on economics in his presence. In my opinion, you should not only put in as little effort as possible, but also encourage your friends to do the same. Start talking in class or play some spikeball; everyone will understand. To really seal the deal, start asking the real questions. “Hey Ms. Kawasaki, I won’t ever have to use this garbage in my real life! Isn’t this class pointless?” or even, “Hi Mr. Ramos, we both know ChatGPT is going to write this essay. Why don’t we cut the middle man and you feed it the essay prompt for me?” Trust me. With apathy, you can do anything.

My boy best friend told me he liked me, and now we aren’t friends anymore. It’s really awkward…

Here’s what I always say: “No more friendship, no more problems!” It seems like you aren’t friends anymore, so I don’t see why it has to be awkward. You have classes together? That’s no big deal! Just avoid eye contact with him for all of eternity until he eventually forgets about it. You both are still a part of the same friend group? Make all of your friends pick a side and ostracize all of the ones who don’t pick you. If these simple fixes don’t work for you, then you can always wait thirty years for when you both graduate and lead completely separate lives where you never cross paths. By the time you get to the reunion, it’ll all be water under the bridge!

My dog is rabid but I love him very much; what do I do?

Sometimes, love is pain. Anyway, according to WebMD, “Rabies has the highest mortality rate — 99.9% — of any disease on earth.” That must be an exaggeration; either way, you can be the 0.1%! You can probably avoid getting rabies from your rabid dog by wearing lots of layers, treading quietly in your home, and learning some self-defense. Good luck out there!

How do I bag my crush?!

No offense, but this is kind of a weird question. I mean, you can get a 23.6″ x 15.7″ sized potato sack from Walmart for about $6.24. Depending on how physically large your crush is, you might need to size up. After this, it’s pretty much self-explanatory. Hope this helps!